Bound to you
by Lady Rose Bernstein
Summary: Kathryn has always repressed her feelings and emotions in order to manipulate others but after Sebastian's death, how much time will she be able to control them? Sebastian/Kathryn.


**Disclaimer: I do not own 'Cruel Intentions' or 'Dangerous Liaisons'. They are property of Roger Kumble and Choderlos de Laclos respectively. **

**A/N: This was an idea I had for a long time when I started to think how Kathryn would handle Sebastian's death. **

_**Bound to you...**_

The pain was almost unbearable. It has been hours now she was suffering long and horrible amounts of pain that she thought she was about to cry. She tried to understand the reason behind it, other than karma at least, but his betrayal was still there, making her heart ache terribly. If only she could move on with her life...

Sebastian was gone and she had been part of the problem. However, she was broken like a porcelain doll smashed against the floor, and her unknown pain forbade her from walking.

She loved to be alone in that huge mansion at first, with her mother and Edward in Sweden due to another business trip, she was able to do whatever she wanted. However, two weeks after his death she found herself missing him dearly, her mind seemed to be thinking of him all the time and she felt she had had enough of it when her emotions did not allow her to walk or move. Several specialists diagnosed her with a psychological problem more than a physical one, making her furious about it.

Kathryn enjoyed her room, it was unique after all: deep blue walls, Victorian furniture and it was her paradise but now it seemed to have become into her prison. Cold like ice, she was unable to feel anything beyond the pain in her legs. She did not remember when it was the last time she took a walk or went shopping.

"Good morning, Ms. Merteuil..." The brunette was greeted with her maid's voice as Mai-Lee entered into her room with a tray. She was not hungry, she felt numbness and indifference.

"Morning". Kathryn replied sternly. She, then placed her emerald eyes on the window, it was another sunny day, which annoyed beyond understanding. She wanted a cloudy and stormy day to match her feelings.

Followed by the maid, Tiffany Merteuil made her way into the room. Great, as if she needed another reason to kill herself. Her mother seemed to have recently come back from the hair-dresser's as her blonde hair seemed to just have been bleached.

"Good morning, dear Kathryn..." The brunette remained silent and her stare cold as ice. "Finish your breakfast quickly, the therapist is in the hall..."

Kathryn nodded and left the tray untouched. "Let him come in, I don't want to eat anything, I'm not hungry".

Tiffany seemed pleased to know her daughter was weak, she would not be able to protest and her job would be much easier that way. Mai-Lee took the tray off and both women left Kathryn alone for a few moments.

A few seconds passed before the psychologist entered into the adolescent's room. He greeted her and sat down next to her bed. For the past three weeks, he has been a recurrent visitor, trying to get her to tell him about the feelings she did not want to acknowledge and that day would not be much different.

"Hello, Kathryn," the man smiled sweetly. Merteuil just gave him the same heartless glare she has given to her mother. "How do you feel today?"

_"Wonderful! My legs are killing me, my mother is bitching me without thinking of me at all, my step-father surely would take her away for another couple of months, which I would be as free as I want. Oh, and the only person who shared the same feeling of hate towards them is gone... The only person who loved me for who I am is forever gone..."_

"Never been better" she replied sarcastic and bitterly. "How about you?" she asked without even blinking or softening her tone, which was hard and made of steel.

"I'm very well, thank you for asking". The man replied politely. "I found something you may like..." he added, showing her an object she knew too well. Sebastian's dear journal.

Kathryn's emerald eyes widened, her heart skipped a beat and she wanted to hold it so bad. In fact, she was melting on the inside, keeping her calm and cold self on the outside, as if she did not care as much as she did. She did not want to read it, she knew its content by heart and Sebastian's words kept haunting her.

_**"There has never been a single form of human existence quite like Kathryn. Stunning to look at, and exciting to be near-cold as ice. She cares about absolutely no one but herself. This girl has an elevated self absorption... She believes in nothing and laughs in the face of sadness, faith and sincerity. A person solely observing her and having seen the damage she's done to so many lives would most likely classify her as evil. She scoffs at any and every type of religion, all the while manipulating others by using the idea of being religious to her advantage. She'll steal monetarily or emotionally from anyone who crosses her path, spends night after night of drunken, drug-individual debauchery, but lives this other life as the perfect angel. She is in a sense brilliant as evidenced by the fact that she has indeed completely fooled each person she has ever had to- except me and she knows it. We are very similar people except I have a heart, and from time to time, logically feel emotion Kathryn does not. I have seen her break the spirits of others, cheat on anyone, supposedly important to her-even me..."**_

However, it was not that which made her heart ache terribly but to see all of her flaws written around her photograph: Alcoholic, deceitful, liar, coke problem, bulimic, promiscuous and all of them written under just one label: My Love.

To know Valmont truly loved her before having met Annette made her broke her heart, which only increased the amount of pain stabbing her legs. She needed to keep her cold self, she did not want to show the true Kathryn to anyone, less of a complete stranger.

"All the things written about you are quite colorful, don't you think?" The therapist asked her, trying to see through her, to break her ice shield. "You seem to have quite a curriculum succeeding in hurting people..." he continued.

_"Sebastian still loved me in that way, he didn't care about my flaws, he wanted to meet the real Kathryn and succeeded in doing so. I loved him too, the real Sebastian Valmont not the one he pretended to be and later became to be with Mother Theresa of Kansas..."_

"I don't know why you brought that thing today, I could care less about the things written on those pages by a bastard who never cared about me..." Merteuil finally replied, trying not to show any kind of emotion. Her inner-self and pride were damaged and she wanted to be left alone and cry silently for hours.

"If so, you won't have much problem in reading your entry to me, right?" The man said, handing her the notebook.

Kathryn had her crucifix tangled around her wrist, hidden under her robe and then, she started to read aloud what her step-brother wrote. Every word was pronounced carefully with faux indifference, doing greater damage to her. Her emerald eyes began to water, making her vision blurry, she tried hard to shake it off but then her voice began to falter and the knot in her throat made her choke.

"I'm tired of doing this". The brunette said, before closing the journal without facing her psychologist. "I want to be left alone, please".

The man knew his patient was not going to give in and let herself trust in him, so he nodded leaving her alone, pretending their session was almost finished and exited the room. Once she heard one of the servants closing the main door, she decided to cry silently.

Kathryn was used to be alone in the previous years, before Tiffany married Edward and she would spend time with her step-brother. Now, the loneliness was killing her, forcing her to accept feelings she has never desired to acknowledge. Crying made the pain disappear and her legs, although still numb, did not ache so terribly.

"Fucking bastard... You were such a fucking idiot, Sebastian... falling in love with that stupid nun instead of me. You were never a toy, you were... We were two of a kind, creating our own place, our own world..."

A week later, her therapist found her inside Valmont's bedroom, sitting behind his desk, watching the rain washing everything away, taking every type of emotion out of her system. He approached to the desk, before greeting her, he wanted to explore a bit more of her own way of coping with her step-brother's death.

"I've always tried to remain cold, indifferent and heartless because things were easier that way. My father left me after my mother introduced the divorce papers, then she jumped from man to man. Nobody wanted to know how I felt, they were too busy congratulating her for having such a perfect little angel..." Kathryn said, cold and indifference present in her voice, the professional could feel some sentiment as well.

"Do you think she wanted a perfect child?" He asked softly.

"I think she wanted me to become a copy of herself but I've excelled her that's why I have all of these so-called addictions. Tiffany Merteuil is truly a mess, who wants to have the perfect daughter." The adolescent replied.

"How about Edward Valmont? What does he think about you?"

"Nothing. He just wants my mother to be happy, he is always busy travelling, drinking high amounts of alcohol. He didn't care about Sebastian either. But as Sebastian was known as the 'bad apple', I had to be the perfect angel in order to save the family name".

"What did Sebastian think about you?" He went on asking.

Kathryn smiled and decided to face him, her emerald eyes seemed to be made of steel. "He loved my true self. This manipulative, evil, coke problem, bulimic self. No matter what he wrote in his journal, he wanted to be around my twisted self than around the girl I pretend to be..." She let herself cry in front of the man. "I loved his true self, the one which was so similar to me than we made a wonderful team. But I had to make him enter into his senses, so I told him how I enjoyed using him as a toy without thinking of the consequences..."

He did not know whether she was being truly honest or it was just an act to get rid of him but he chose to believe her. "He took pleasure in other people's pain before he met me. We were meant to be a team and he knew it. If he wanted to hurt a girl, I'd tell him her weakest point so he would attack just there... If he needed to get rid of someone, he would ask me and I'd get rid of it..." Kathryn kept on, her voice faltering. "And then, after everything he wrote about me, I find myself hurt because I miss him and the pain doesn't let me walk or move to keep on with my life".

The man listened to everything she said in silence, watching her cry as she let herself lose control over her feelings.

"For saying all those things you feel, why didn't you show it at his funeral?" The psychologist asked. She knew he was well informed about the fact which led to this situation.

Kathryn smiled sourly. "Because I have a reputation to uphold. I cannot let someone to see the real me, because no one cares about how I feel but what I do or stop doing. If I don't care about myself nobody will do it for me".

"Do you realize that having everything bottled up and repressed, created a turmoil in your mind, causing you this pain?"

The brunette nodded. "I needed this kind of torture to understand I need to change my attitude because this is no way to go through life". She took the liberty to use one of Sebastian's old antics.

Ultimately, Kathryn did not care whether she would be able to walk or not but she wanted to clean her reputation, to fool people by making them believe she has been reformed and then, she would still keep doing whatever she may like to anyone who stepped into her way.

_"I had spent weeks even I reached the month since doctors diagnosed a psychological dysfunction due to my repressed emotions. I stopped caring about it two weeks before this outlet"._

No matter how hard she tried to pretend she did not care about her problem, when she truly cared about it. She did not want other people to pity her because it would be the worst emotion people would show to her. She would be seen as a weakling, drug-addicted, heartless bitch that took what she deserved for hurting so many lives.

Kathryn wiped her tears as her eyes kept forming more of them, she had to smile maliciously inside because her therapist believed in her acting as if it was a true moment of honesty.

Although three hours have passed since the session finished, the brunette refused to leave Sebastian's bedroom. She kept reading his journal, smoking some of his cigarettes, she wished he would have had a different ending. She wanted to feel his strong cologne around her every time she would tease him about loving her or any other of his conquests, she wanted to have his hands around her waist as he kissed her neck.

_"You didn't love me anymore in the end, although you knew I was the only one who loved you for who you were not for whom you pretended to be... You destroyed so many lives and together would plan the most elaborated schemes... Everyone would remember you as a poor victim, who was extremely manipulated by his bitchy step-sister..." _ Her emerald eyes released some tears she had been holding in as she felt she was going to lose control of herself. _"I'll remember you as my best rival, my equal, the only one I cared about the most... Perhaps I felt the same for you what you felt for me but now it's too late to find it out. One thing is sure, I truly miss you having by my side, Valmont..."_

Kathryn listened to the thunders in the sky, it was a very cold and stormy night, she loved it. She took her crucifix, unscrewing it and taking a hit of her addiction, trying to repress her emotions again but she could not this time. She felt anger, pain, sorrow, all at once. She felt how much she needed him and that increased her wrath. Closing her eyes, taking a deep breath, she tried to picture him.

_"We are two of a kind but at least I have the guts to admit it..."_

Opening her eyes and looking at the window to see the pouring rain falling outside, she smiled to him for the last time. Those were the last tears she shed for him, it was finally her moment to say goodbye.

"Goodbye Sebastian, maybe in another time we can continue what we have left behind..."

She was now finally able to move on with her life as she felt how the pain disappeared when she tried to move her legs. Her mind seemed to be clearer and she would regain her good-girl reputation using her Mary Sunshine persona. Everything would be the same once again, she was sure of it. She was Kathryn Merteuil after all, she was the perfect angel, she never failed and most importantly, she never regretted a single thing she has done to protect herself and she would not certainly start now to do so.

**A/N 2: I hope you enjoyed it, please let me know what you guys think of it on a review. **


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